For me, the hardest thing about nursing school was coming to grips with mediocrity- or maybe I mean coming to grips with an A or a B or C not defining who I am, what I can do, or the kind of nurse I will be. There is such a variety in backgrounds- people newly out of high school, people with nutrition degrees, people with a ton of experience in health care and people with none at all. And yet all the disparities I may or may not have perceived were gone in a matter of weeks. It was a challenge for us all. I failed a test for the first time in nursing school. I cried tears of joy at an 83. I had a panic attack trying to change a tlc dressing. It wasn't even on a real human.
And yet, the feeling of success is overwhelming. I always say that there are never enough moments in life to discover and rediscover your strength. There have been a few moments in my life that changed me, that reminded me that there is nothing I can't do. Natural childbirth. Completing a marathon. Becoming a nurse.
People say raising children takes a village. Going to nursing school in your 40's with two teenagers, a job and a zillion things vying for your attention- that takes a village.
My village begins and ends with my husband. I was going to save the best for last, but I can't think of all this took without thinking of him. For two years Mr. Draper did all the laundry, the food shopping and cooking, the child schlepping and the dog caring, all while I was alternately (or all together) depressed/anxious/exhausted/busy/gone/an asshole. I am thankful to be loved by and cared for in the way only he can do.
Professionally, I owe a huge debt to my staff for keeping the ship afloat and for their extraordinary kindness and support. Jillian was my first friend in Albany and has been by my side the whole time, from our days sharing an office at Baby-Friendly USA to being the organized mind to my chaotic one at Albany Med. I could not have grown our department and hired all the wonderful women I have without her. If you are reading this Jilly-Bean, if you ever quit I will come to your house and mess up your tupperware drawer.
When I was first thinking about going back to school I had a conversation with my mother in which I was bemoaning being old and going to school and such. One day she said something along the lines of, "In three years you'll be 44 whether you're a nurse or not, so you might as well be a nurse." I think about that often. I know I scared my mom with my mental instability over this journey. But she always answered my calls and if she judged me she never did it to my face. I am so thankful to be loved and supported by her. I am also thankful she and my dad had other children after me BECAUSE SERIOUSLY MY SIBLINGS ARE MY ROCKS. Last year was shit for my family and many of our loved ones and holy cow they are my glue. They checked on me when I didn't want to be checked on, texted and called and pep-talked and listened. They also married some good people, as I think I cried to both my brothers-in law on a few occasions and they still let me come around.
Many years ago I remember being in a friend's house and her having pictures of her and her nursing school friends on the mantle. It struck me since she was a nurse for many years and I don't have that kind of relationship with my college friends. Now I get it. I am so relieved to be done, and yet the idea of not seeing these women on a daily basis is crushing. If you ever want to understand what a truly intimate friendship looks like, talk to a nurse. We have no secrets. We know when the others are cycling, when we are struggling, when we are happy. I must have did something really good in this life to get the group of women I spent 20+ hours a week with this last semester. You are all blessings. I wasn't sure what it would be like, being with people who are so much younger than I am, who are in different life stages than me. And it was amazing. I got to share some of what I have learned over the years and take part in group chats which although I despise have been a sort of lifeline. You guys are amazing and I love you the most and I always will. I look forward to seeing your lives and families and careers grow and I can't wait to see all you become.
If you didn't already know, my kids are the bomb. There are no smarter, stronger, passionate, talented and courageous young women on earth. They cheered me on the whole way. Told me how much they admire me. How much they love me. I won't say they are my best friends; that implies we are equals. And we aren't; my love for them is a love only a mother could feel for her daughters. I always joke I stopped at two because they are awesome and what if the next one was an asshole? The truth is, they are all I needed. I love having teenagers. The only part that sucks is that they are leaving for college sooner than I care to think about. They both still snuggle me and want to hang with me and I cherish our relationships to infinity and beyond. More than chocolate.
Tonight I get my pin and am officially a nurse (not a registered one- I have to wait to take my boards for that). I am proud to be among the many that walked before and will walk after. Everyone keeps asking me what's next; the truth is I love my job and am staying put. I still have a lot of work to do. I will probably take a second job at some point so I can use the skills I worked so hard for and save money for college (see the previous paragraph). If there is something next for me, it hasn't presented itself yet. In the meantime I plan on enjoying every moment.
My heart is so full.
xx, Randie
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